The Power of Focus: How Intentionally Loving Your Spouse Can Create a Lasting Marriage!

Early in my couples therapy practice, I began hearing a recurring theme from seemingly well-matched, long-married couples: “I don’t love Jim anymore,” or “I don’t love Mary anymore.” At first, I was puzzled. These weren’t couples on the brink of divorce—they were people who had built lives together, raised families, and shared decades of memories. What was really happening?

A few weeks later, a simple but profound moment clarified everything. As I was leaving church one Sunday, my pastor looked me in the eye and said, “Dr. Cole, love your wife!” It was the only thing he said. A few weeks after that, I ran into him at a local farmers market. As our conversation wound down, he repeated it: “Dr. Cole, love your wife!”

Slightly taken aback, I asked what he meant. He replied, “I know what you do for a living, so I want to stress the importance of loving your wife.” When I pressed further, he delivered the insight that changed my perspective forever:

“Love is an act. It requires focus. And because we feel what we focus on, if you focus on the things you like about your spouse, you are loving her.”

Bingo. That was it.

What my clients were experiencing wasn’t a sudden disappearance of love. It was a gradual shift in focus. Over time, they had stopped intentionally noticing and appreciating the qualities that first drew them to their partner. Instead, their attention drifted to irritations, disappointments, or comparisons with others.

From that day forward, I began teaching every couple I work with this foundational truth: The best way to keep the loving feelings alive in a long-term relationship is to deliberately focus on the things you love about your spouse.

The Science and Practice of Lasting Love

This principle isn’t just pastoral wisdom—it’s grounded in how our brains and emotions work. What we focus on grows stronger. Positive attention builds connection and fondness; chronic focus on negatives erodes it.

I explore this concept in depth in my book, Lasting Lover: A Science-Based Approach to Building and Maintaining a Romantic Relationship with Your Forever Person. Get the book on Amazon.

The core message is simple yet powerful: Because we feel what we focus on, we can change our feelings by changing our focus. Lasting love isn’t something that just happens to us—it’s something we actively create and maintain through daily intention.

Lessons from 50+ Years of Marriage

This truth has made all the difference in my own marriage of over 50 years to my wife, Priscilla, whom I love and cherish more today than ever before. Having worked in this field since earning my PhD at age 28, I’ve had the advantage of learning and practicing additional evidence-based principles.

One of the most important is this: When we stop focusing on the person we’re committed to, we often begin focusing on someone else—and suddenly, that person seems more appealing. We play the comparison game, captured perfectly by the saying, “The grass is greener on the other side of the fence.”

But here’s the reality: The grass is greener where you water it. Changing partners simply trades one set of problems for another—often adding layers of complexity, especially when children are involved.

Every human being has faults. All of us. The couples who thrive long-term aren’t those who found a “perfect” match. They’re the ones who choose, day after day, to focus on what’s right, good, and lovable in their partner.

Your Two-Week Challenge

I challenge you to try this for the next two weeks:

1. Every morning when you wake up, commit to being fiercely loyal to your spouse in your thoughts.

2. Actively recall and focus on the qualities that first attracted you, the reasons you chose this person as your life partner.

3. Notice and express appreciation for the good things they do each day.

To take it a step further, practice the powerful “Re-Romanticizing the Relationship” exercise from Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt’s classic book, Getting the Love You Want. Learn more about the book and exercises here.

Many couples report a noticeable shift in warmth, connection, and affection within days of consistent practice.

Final Thoughts

Love isn’t primarily a feeling—it’s a daily decision and a focused practice. By choosing where to direct your attention, you can reignite romance, deepen intimacy, and build a relationship that truly lasts.

If you’re struggling in your marriage or simply want to make a good relationship even stronger, I invite you to reach out. At my practice, we use science-based, trauma-informed approaches—including mindful cognitive behavioral therapy (MCBT)—to help couples reconnect and thrive.

Ready to invest in your relationship? Schedule a session or explore more resources at www.galencole.com.

Dr. Galen E. Cole, PhD, MPH, LPC, is a licensed professional counselor, board-certified psychotherapist, and author specializing in couples therapy, trauma-informed care, and relationship optimization.