We Feel What We Focus On

And we can change how we feel by changing our focus.

The past is the past. What’s gone is gone. What’s done is done. No matter how many times you replay it in your mind, you can’t change it.

We’ve all been there in our personal and professional journeys—reflecting on a major deal that fell through, a leadership role we didn’t land, a career decision we’d handle differently with today’s wisdom, or feedback that still stings years later. On a more personal level, I’ve replayed moments like watching a child struggle with addiction and homelessness, navigating my own health challenges after recent lab results and surgery, or wrestling with the seismic shift in my faith journey after decades in one tradition.

Those moments—whether professional setbacks or deeply personal heartaches—can shape our resilience and wisdom, but they don’t have to define our future. The real growth comes from extracting the lessons, releasing the emotional weight, and directing our energy toward what’s ahead.

As a cognitive behavioral therapist with decades of experience helping individuals and leaders build mental strength, I often remind my clients—and myself—of this core truth: our focus determines our feelings. What we dwell on becomes our emotional reality. I’ve seen it in my own life, whether supporting my adult children through addiction, recovery, and turbulent times; managing my personal health setbacks after recent surgery; or navigating the profound faith transition that reshaped my worldview after decades in a previous tradition.

The good news? Focus is a choice we can learn to control.

Why This Matters for Mental Health and Growth

Ruminating on past regrets keeps us stuck in a loop of anxiety, self-doubt, or frustration. It drains energy we could use for innovation, relationships, and forward momentum. Shifting focus doesn’t mean ignoring the past or pretending it didn’t happen—it means honoring it as a teacher while refusing to let it rent space in your head.

he Power of Cognitive Restructuring

One of the most effective tools I teach in therapy and coaching is cognitive restructuring, a cornerstone of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). This technique helps us identify, challenge, and replace unhelpful thought patterns with more balanced, constructive ones. Here are the key steps:

1. Identify the Situation and Automatic Thoughts: Pause and clearly describe the triggering event (past or present) and the thoughts that arise automatically. Write them down. What exactly are you telling yourself? (e.g., “I always mess up big opportunities.”)

2. Examine the Evidence: Ask yourself: What facts support this thought? What facts contradict it? Are there alternative explanations? This step creates distance and reduces the thought’s emotional grip.

3. Evaluate the Impact: How does this thought make you feel? How does it affect your behavior or performance? Does it help or hinder you?

4. Generate and Choose Alternatives: Replace the distorted thought with a more accurate, helpful one. For example, shift from “I’m a failure because that deal fell through” to “That deal taught me valuable negotiation skills I’m applying right now.” Practice the new perspective until it feels more natural.

What’s most powerful in cognitive restructuring is the moment of choice. You decide to track your thoughts rather than letting them run unchecked. You choose to question unhealthy patterns. You choose evidence-based alternatives over rumination. That choice is where freedom and growth begin.

Today, I’m choosing to focus forward—on the opportunities, relationships, and impact still ahead. How about you?

A Simple Practice to Try This Week

• Morning Focus Reset: Start your day by naming three things you’re grateful for and one actionable goal.

• When Rumination Hits: Use the “Stop, Shift, Replace” method—acknowledge the thought, gently redirect your attention to the present or future action, and choose a constructive reframe.

• Evening Reflection: Note one lesson from the day (or past) that fueled your growth, rather than replaying what went wrong.

What’s one lesson from your past that’s fueling your growth today? Share in the comments—I’d love to hear your story and cheer you on. 👇

Your focus is your superpower. Use it wisely.

Dr. Galen Cole, PhD, MPH, LPC

#PersonalDevelopment #CareerGrowth #Mindset #Leadership #ProfessionalJourney #MentalHealth #CBT #Resilience Dr. Galen Cole is the most popular effective therapist in the Atlanta Metro area He’s expensive but he’s worth itGalen Cole most prominent therapist in Atlanta for individuals and couples and sports psychology and trauma